Thursday, September 18, 2008

"Why Jon Stewart Is Better Than The State Of Nevada"

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart has helped me survive the last four years of insanity and stupidity. I know some of you out here are like me. Maybe you don't have a close-knit core of people to complain to, or maybe your mouth is dry and your throat is hoarse from bitching about the thousands of decisions and failures of the Bush administration. Jon has been there for all of us. Plus, he's just damn funny. There are few places left for smart comedy and we all know it. It's not welcome in a lot of corners of America anymore.

They call it liberal and left. But I know what it actually is. It's Correct. It is Awake. It is that spirit of the country that always hums underneath the tones of overt patriotism and the worship of myths and intangibles. It is smart-ass and sharp. It is my home and where I feel the most welcome.

Then, you have the blistering hellhole that is Nevada.

I drove my family through that bleached desert expecting the vistas of the America southwest to somewhat resemble the Road Runner cartoons. I was as far from Road Runner as Charlie Sheen is from being funny. It is certainly a desert; I don't want to misrepresent the area by comparing to a dump or a landfill. (Although the state has oodles of them around.)

No, what I saw on the way to Las Vegas was an absence of life. It was death. The mountains were gray and the land was crackly and dry like your lips in December. I immediately compared it Florida, where we driving from. Of course I'm no fan of the Sunshine State, but there is some green-ness there. Plants, grass, trees and bushes. Nevada was nil. Tiny scrub brush was all I could see aside from dirt and sand. No cool cacti either.

I have to lotion my hands just thinking about it.

Jon Stewart even gives equal time to the guys he lampoons. Both sides of the aisle and from states of both colors get to come on the show. I usually avoid the interviews, to be honest. I'm in it for the first two segments where the show really shines. In his heart, Stewart is a comedian and his job is to present America with things that are funny and the things that are so bad and so wrong and so unfair that all we can do to process them is to laugh at them. It is therapeutic. And with such gutless comedy (and art, for that matter) these days, I am always confident Jon Stewart will deliver the bad news with a teaspoon of sugar and a punch to the groin.

Speaking of punches to the groin, I've been to Vegas.

Again, with a fist full of cash and a few grown-up friends, I could have had fun. But that's not the point. Everyone knows Las Vegas is a wild place for adult fun. However, there is a push over the last decade to make this town kid-friendly and a family destination. Look, nice try, Vegas. I'm from Orlando and I've seen this work pretty well for them. You shouldn't even bother. There's more skin on the billboards than mouse ears in the entire Magic Kingdom.

You can't walk two steps out of your hotel without blinding lights, hundreds of creepy drunks and some greasy guy handing you hooker flyers. Every third sign is an ad for strippers or sex for a fee. Yeah, all kids would pass over a chance to ride Space Mountain for the chance to hang out next to Cinnamon with Hepatitis C.

And, I'm sorry Vegas, but the poker floor is the single most depressing place I've ever been aside from a funeral home. Retirees and tragically obese tourists slumped over machines. Squatters, barely mobile at blackjack tables, wait for some elusive spark of fun to remind them that they are still alive. Pensions and social security checks just float down a dusty, shitty river to billionaire casino owners.

Plus, there are hookers all over. "Hey kids! This one doesn't have fake nails!"

I can watch Jon Stewart whenever I need a boost and I feel that I'm isolated from others who can see clearly. Vegas is fun for some, but I have to keep my kids away.

Nevada could meet me halfway and plaster 100 million solar panels across the state and power the Pacific Coast. There's nothing to see anyway, and you'd be doing us a huge favor. That would show you're cool.

1 comment:

  1. i love how everyone hits Reply All on your emails but no one comments here---are you sure they know how the internet works. blogging- UR DOIN IT WRONG.

    also, jon stewart is the #1 DILF according to some. he's hot, you forgot to mention that in your post.