Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A Rough Draft For A Truthful Resume


OBJECTIVES: To make tons more money than I make right now. This is not a difficult goal to achieve. Also, I'd like something where I could just write about everything all day in my underwear listening to Beck albums in the background. Since becoming a father, I've never slept past 8 am. I want to focus on that area, too.

SKILLS: None. Well, no practical skills that employers care about. I can be funny and I'm quick with a response; albeit sarcastic and counterproductive. I make homemade pizza. I am quite good with trivia and I'm a great speller. I do, however, have some type of Adult ADD that keeps me from paying close attention to pertinent facts and I'd rather screw around than manipulate my bosses and peers to get ahead. I am likable, but it's never gotten me a raise. I am a self-starter. I start a little later than most and I start for the parking lot the millisecond I clock out.

ATTRIBUTES: Punctual, clean, respectful and unflinchingly direct. I can ascertain one person's b.s. and accurately interpret that into another person's sugar-coated corporate speak. I dress professionally but I hate ties, leather shoes and buttoned sleeves. I have a BA in History which is of no use to anyone; however the byproduct was scads of writing. I like coffee. I need a lot of pee breaks.

WORK HISTORY: I have mastered the art of internet keyword selection, sort of, and I have sent five thousand emails. I cleaned puke, swept popcorn, sorted videotapes and alphabetized CD's. I spent three years reviewing files for an insurance company and the only thing I took from the job was a tattered, dog-eared piece of notebook paper with the funniest claimant names. (Robert Boob, you are the winner, sir.)

I taught school and I was complimented by my peers. However, the job itself was the saddest experience I've ever had, and even sadder, the most money I've ever made.

I scooped dog poop.

I was once also fired in the first four hours of a photo developing job. Broke the machine.

RECOMMENDATIONS: No one ever remembers me after I quit. I usually make friends with other short-timers and they move on to do other things. If you ever track down one of my bosses…well, I'd be more than a little surprised.

WHAT I BRING TO YOUR ORGANIZATION: Disdain. But seriously, the truth is I don't follow directions well because my ego will not allow me to swallow unfettered crap without comment. I'm pleasant, I am usually in good spirits but I make it known when the process isn't working, the employees are not fit, or the company is clearly run by dumbasses. I am 36, I know who I am and I make horrible first impressions.

What I really feel like doing right now is heading over to the reception area with the four other schlubs that are gunning for this job and console the ones who didn't get it and rag on the guy who did. I swear to all that is holy that is all I ever want to do with my time.

Which explains my pay history.

WHERE DO I SEE MYSELF IN FIVE YEARS: Let's say this, if I am indeed working for this company to which I am applying five years from now, I will consider my entire professional life a dismal failure. Exactly the same way I felt five years ago. But I'd still like to get paid.

Look forward to hearing from you.

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