Wednesday, September 17, 2008

News Whine, Part Two - "Why I'm Not Up For Debate"

I am trying very hard not to "blog" on this blog site but I have to give a little background info before I can get going. And you aren't the boss of me, so stick it.

I was raised in a giant can of black olives and shaving cream with my brother Matthew who was born with an elephant's trunk where his left nipple should have been. My father was the late George Carlin. He taught me everything I knew about expressing my thoughts, remembering to bake it in a delicious fruit pie and bake at 450 degrees for one hour. And swearing. He taught me lots of swear words.

When he was on the road, I'd have a few guys keep me company so I wouldn't get lonely. Eddie Murphy was there at the beginning, but he grew tired of being funny when I was around 15. There was Sam Kinison who screamed, and Bill Hicks who loved conspiracy theories. I learned about Pryor and I watched David Letterman at 12:30 am, hardly realizing there were naked girls on Cinemax at the same time.

The point is, I worshipped comedians and how they thought. I delivered my thoughts the same way I do now; for your entertainment. I have to do it. If not, there is only frustration, tears and…choose an unhealthy addiction. My opinions are wholly mine but my intent is not to prove my point. Usually, I want to make other people comfortable or just laugh. When I am getting serious about something, I feel as if my oxygen supply is slowly turning off. I need to desperately take a breath and lighten the hell up or my head will burst like that blackhead the morning of school picture day.

Its not that I don't care. I care too stupidly much about everything. I'm just not wired to take on Stephen Douglas in Illinois. (Look it up, for Chrissakes.)

The great ones: Pryor, Carlin and later, Chris Rock brought messages to their audiences. They made connections and they were there to express something. But if you weren't laughing at them, they failed. Sure, most comedians are only there to make you laugh and I agree that should be at the top of their priorities. (Especially for what they charge for a ticket.) But the really good ones were making a connection to you via fart jokes. They give you some of their humanity. Also, you could remember some of the lines and tell the guys down in the lunch room the next day and they'd find you hilarious. Its brutal, sad and painful presence was the real reason you remember the show.

This is also why Jerry Seinfeld kinda sucks.

Debating is such a heavy game played by too many amateurs. Most Americans haven't the perspective or breadth of experience or knowledge to know what the hell they're talking about when it comes to major issues. It's impossible. These aren't opinions, this is debate. A hundred years ago, only the sharpest and strongest of us even attempted. The average person knew they couldn't swing with the big boys in the Major Leagues of public discourse. They said their peace and that was it. They had the sense and dignity and respect for the Big Ideas to muddle it with limited knowledge of the facts. It was logical and fair.

Today, debate is bickering and whining. I won’t join in. Nah. Not good enough.

It took me years to figure this one out. I lingered under the delusion I just didn't believe in my ideas enough to have at it with someone who didn't agree. I was wrong. I just don't care that much. I'd rather goof off and get them to tinkle just a little from laughing.

And so on.

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