Friday, September 5, 2008

"Why Ben Stiller Is Worse Than The Spanish-American War"

It is a difficult comparison to make. Loss of human life and America's giant imperialistic leap forward versus a decade of sub-par crotch comedy. I am sure I can make a case that the movies of Ben Stiller have longer lasting and profoundly stupider ramifications than that little war between the Civil War and World War I that everyone forgets about.

Case one: Although we violently replaced Spain as the long distance yoke holders, America acquired Guam, Puerto Rico, Cuba and the Philippines. The latter fought us to the death, Cuba's had half a century to foster a tobacco-scented hatred for us and Puerto Rico has no vote in our Congress. But, hey, we have Guam. And they vote and stuff, right? Besides we showed the world that we were out to eat it one sweaty island nation at a time.

But Ben Stiller movies aren't just awful; they are all awful in the same way. Can anyone honestly tell me that the character he plays in There's Something About Mary is any different than Meet The Parents, Along Came Polly and Duplex? Take one whiny, simple idiot, add one hot blonde, diarrhea, a dog, six toilets, any number of ejaculates and it’s essentially the same movie every eighteen months.

(Wait, I get it! Gaylord Focker! Oh my God, that's Hollywood gold.)

Bad movies make our culture dumber and more likely to get attacked by extremists and those with adult tastes. Stiller puts us in danger!

Teddy Roosevelt's rise to prominence is a direct result of his involvement in the war with Spain in 1898. Sure, he thought the world needed a swift kick in the ass with an American boot, but he also was a naturalist. He secured thousands of acres of land for national parks. Don't forget: Roosevelt also cleaned up the food packing industry, indirectly hindering the diarrhea Ben Stiller loves so dearly.

What's annoying about Hollywood millionaire Ben Stiller is that I liked some of his work. His old sketch show was good, his roles in Tenenbaums and some MTV bits I've seen were pretty good. So he has some talent and a comedic eye. Why doesn't he write a little of that into one of these festering dumps he calls feature films? I think I may come down with severe intestinal cramps if one more fan tells me to "just shut off your brain and enjoy it. It's just stupid fun." That's okay one or two times. But EVERY damn time? Does every attempt at comedy have to be so juvenile that no one can walk into a theater with a high school education and enjoy it? I'm afraid there is no one left that can write a non-embarrassing comedy for adults. The terrorists have won.

It's said that the Spanish American War helped heal some wounds still stinging from the Civil War. Maybe that's true. There's nothing like a war to get you over hating someone because of a war.

I'm no math major but Ben Stiller films have made over 500 billion dollars. That is good money that could have been put to use cleaning up our streets, education, rebuilding New Orleans, investing in solar and wind power and , most importantly, not encouraging the actor himself to make more crappy movies. Aren't those dollars in the wrong pockets? I am sure that has helped drive a wedge between the classes in the last ten years. That and the Bush presidency…but Stiller was a conspirator!

I implore you, America. Stop encouraging the creation of these dumbass films. If not for our culture or the children or the spirit of this once great nation, than to just shut me up about how much I hate this douchebag's movies.

1 comment:

  1. Alright Jim, you're brilliant. Start submitting this to cool magazines or something. Start with Rolling Stone. Aim high.