Friday, August 5, 2011

The Waking Up Next To Suzanne Pleshette Show

I had fun. And boy, was that important. Seriously, it was.

Stay tuned for more awkward transitions.


Monday, July 25, 2011

The Sticking Out Like A Sore Thumb Show

In which...Luke learns of his sister, Neo learns how to dodge bullets, Doc Brown flies away in a time-traveling train, and I run out of movie references.


Monday, July 11, 2011

The Amazing Worst Nightmare Show

Show 92.

It seems to be like an endless Saturday afternoon. Sure I can sit around, sleep, watch a movie, finish reading Infinite Jest, take a long walk, or rearrange the junk mail pile. I could; but I feel I need to do something constructive. It’s a holding pattern. And I truly believe that holding patterns are one of life’s minor tragedies. Time you wish you could get back.

There seems to be some confusion in my brain concerning the big career change. I actually have to alter nearly everything about myself. I want to. However, my natural states of rest and concentration don’t know what’s coming. They should be bracing like they see a punch coming; but instead they’re gazing out of the back window. Maybe that’s the best way to go.



P.S. – By the way, I will probably never finish Infinite Jest. I think I’m too stupid. I’m reading Outliers, which makes me feel smart.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The How To Make A Fruit Fly Trap Show

Show 91.

I know I reveal my favorite song in this podcast, but I have to say, it is the one song that turns my mood around every time I hear it. With eight million songs at my disposal it seems pretty unlikely that I (of all people) could narrow it down. Truth is, I just picked it.

I have other contenders, like 'Dear Prudence' by the Beatles, 'Bones' by Radiohead and 'Selfless, Cold, and Composed' by Ben Folds Five. But the one I picked is just such a perennial rump shaker it had to hit the top spot.

The humidity is kicking in...and its almost July. That's a smile you just heard.

Here's to summers of appropriate length.


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Benny Mardones Is Somewhere Show

Show 90.

Its been a week of bullcrap computer fixing, buying, maintaining, uploading and downloading, tech support, returning, saving, deleting, restoring, rebooting, scanning and crying. I don't mind saying that when my life can start easing away from these machines I will be happier.

I turned 39 and I felt it. Not sure what the feeling is, but it makes a sound in my skull with a resounding echo. It is very much there and everything I do seems to matter a little more? Drastically changing your life will do that. Looking very forward to building something new. I want to know what I can truly handle. Most likely, quite a bit...then I'll be pissed about that.

Oh well. New shows coming in the next two weeks.


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Protestant Shaq Ethic Show

Master of disaster, seven foot- three.

Here's another.

I had to deal with computer fixing dealies last night and it reminded me of how much I really don't like computers. You can't reason with them and you can't whack them like an old TV on the fritz.

Does anything go on the fritz anymore?



Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Quality Landscaping At A Great Price Show

Here we go.

It's remarkable how much I spend doing a show and how little is left over.

Enjoy some solo interpretations of modern jazz fused with an electric sting.

I don't know what that is.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Kindness Is Not Weakness Show

High five!Link
I remember slowing down and nearly killing someone for my mother-in-law to take the above photo.
Sunshine is making me happier, but the byproduct is that it's keeping me awake, too. So I can blame sunshine for my sleep deprivation now. Convenient?
I'd like to get out there a little more this year. Take some more photos of things that aren't barns. I've seen a lot, but there is so more. I may have to sell a kidney for gas money, but I think it's worth it.


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Time-Traveling Egyptian Woman In A Hat Show

Makin' Some Noise.

Pretty much dealing with the above this evening. Enjoy the beginning of May.


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Devil and Jason Bateman Show


One of the most difficult things for me to do is daydream without judgment. I walk a lot and I use that time to let it all hang out..inside my skull. If I think about being a rock star or a superhero or I wonder how best to rearrange my shirt drawer, I just let it go. But there is a review panel in there, a Statler and Waldorf critiquing the thoughts and WHY I am thinking them. As if thinking of something else would be a better use of my time.

I’m here to tell you, that’s just not true. That part of my brain is fear in disguise. It’s that three seconds before you jump into a cold morning pool, or the frustration before a first kiss. It’s your eyes looking upward, searching for a creative answer. Inspiration for the next great creative idea or for a money making endeavor can come from anywhere; including when you are analyzing Jimmy Fallon or Philly cheesesteaks. No one knows how it works..

My brain has some serious foolishness to get done. I need to leave it alone.


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Plungers And Wrong Guys Show


I've been writing characters and scenes for practice. It's rough right now. I'm pretty rusty. Here's a sample:

' Beach sand settles into everywhere. It finds cracks in your body only a medical examiner knows about. The abrasive is always worse then it sounds; one has to factor in the tenderness of the skin after a few exposed hours of solar radiation on a seemingly beautiful day. No matter what SPF you've spread over yourself in hopes of cheating nature and the sun’s right to fry whomever it sees fit, the gritty sand will be a reminder of why we create enclosed homes with carpeted floors and central air.

John found a public outdoor shower in front of the Quality Inn. There was no chance for his feet to be cleaned, but the rest of his body wriggled under the lukewarm shower of city water. He tried not to inhale while dozens of summer vacationing teens cackled above him in the hotel pool. They didn’t need the shower. Pool rules dictated one before entering but John never bothered when he had the chance. There was nothing like the first splash into the deep end. The world instantly shut up for a few moments. John could be detached from the earth. Hands and feet would touch nothing as he bobbed underwater, like a hunk of pineapple in your grandmother’s Jell-O dessert. All the weight lifted from his back and every grain of sand rinsed away.

But the dripping shower dousing him with ass-water would have to do.'

Write what you know.



Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Waffles McGavin Show


Hi there. Today is exactly like and completely different than any other day that has ever been and will ever be. The trees outside will be exactly the height they are right now only for today. We are zipping through space and this fixed point in the universe won't be visited again in exactly the same way. An actor named Christopher McDonald will only be this old for one day in his life. And that day is today.

And, I think I need to wash my slippers.



Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Kenesaw Mountain Tuesday Show


To the right is a picture of KML himself. He kinda reminds me of what i would have looked like had I been born in the 19th century.

So I've been watching a lot of Doctor Who lately. The differences between a British production and an American one are sweet little pacifist and quasi-socialist nuances that are sensitive to the touch and are not lost on me. My only beef seems to be with the terror-robot Daleks and their incessant screaming. Why the screaming?

I told my brother a couple shows ago that I would reassess the podcast after I hit 100 shows. He said to just keep going.

I will. Why? Not because I believe I will gain any more listeners or I have metric tons of material yet mined; I just don't think it's a good idea to quit everything.

At least, now I do.


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Lucid Dreams and Hooper Show

From the glass floor in the CN Tower, 110 stories above Toronto.

80th show.

I have painted myself in a bit of a corner with these posts. I sit here to provide a link to my newest endeavor, and I try to come up with something witty to share. Problem is, I save all that for the shows.



Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Corporate-Approved Robotic Blowhard Show

Big-Ass Sandwiches, Portland, Oregon.

Order up.

It looks like food may be my life. I didn't plan it that way. But with a Mrs. in the business for 17 years or so and our minds set on our own corner of the culinary world, I think I better get used to the idea.

I could think of the 378 different directions my life could have gone, but I am here to testify that will drive you crazy. But here, this world I am in Portland and people like to buy food out of trailers. And we want in.

Its a Frankenstein show. I pieced some things together for someone's enjoyment. If that is you, thank you for your patronage.


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Percussion Show


I can't tell you how listening to 'When the Levee Breaks' 100 times when I was kid changed the way I think about art and music.

The reason I can't tell you is because it transcends speech. Music fills us up in a way that words just can't; it's a massage more than a movie. It's a punch in the face. Well, Zeppelin was a punch in the face. I suppose James Taylor or Bob Dylan were friendly nudges.

I wanted to play drums because I firmly believe that if we indeed have past lives, I was a railroad worker/slave. I'm quite sure my life was spent in the heat and the only enjoyment I got out of my back-breaking bloody-callused day was the rhythms in my head. Its the collective groove; the beat, that I feel alll the time. I could be at work or in line at Safeway buying broccoli and Gatorade. Its the subtle undertone of my humdrum existence on Earth.

That's why I play the drums. I suck at it because I lack discipline, but I still play.

So this show is about music and bands and drummers and drums. I am also a lifelong fanboy. I still like watching guys play. Even the kid (and there always is one) down at the Portland Saturday Market with his homemade kit of paint buckets, bottles and trash can lids invariably receives a couple bucks from me every time. No matter how good he is. (And he's always better than me.)


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Two Guys And 9,000 Explosions Show, Part 2

Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho.

Part 2.

I'll have to do a show sometime with the greatest villains ever. Hans Gruber will most likely top it for me.

I have absolutely nothing to say right now. Its all been thrown into podcasts, most likely. I hope you enjoy your day. Sincerely.


Monday, February 7, 2011

The Two Guys And 9,000 Explosions Show - Part 1


That is a photo of Matt and I roughly 20 years ago. I'd like to say a lot has changed since then...but...

Ok, so what I've been doing lately to stave off the inevitable madness is try to put a little more into the show. I'm thinking that if you have the genetic defect in your brain that likes to entertain others, you better tend to it. If not, you're Tyler Durden punching yourself in the face to get out your humdrum existence.

But, alas. My fatal flaw. Do not tell anyone what your plans are. Big mistake. People like to think it makes you more accountable, but in the end you are left with little room to edit your plans. We do not live in a pass or fail world. There is nuance. If I need more time or money or material or advice...take it.

I have certainly been rambling about nothing. Stay tuned!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Sentimental White Stripes Post That A Million People Are Writing At This Moment

I had nearly given up on music until The White Stripes came along.

Back in '02, I had had long given up hope that there would ever be another Kurt Cobain a Hendrix, a Beatles or even a Sex Pistols ever again. MTV was poisoned by reality poop and the radio was nothing but Britney and boy bands and the hip hop du jour. I felt pretty damn old. Then, Dylan , who is usually ten years behind with his musical tastes, (Literally, he was just getting into Nirvana at the time) saw the Lego-inspired video for 'Fell In Love With A Girl'. He loved the video and the song running behind it. That's pretty much it.

I had a little money to spend one day at a Borders. After perusing the paperback fiction I saw White Blood Cells on sale and without ever hearing a single song I bought it. Before I got home I had finished 4 or 5 tracks in the car and I loved it. Even with that high praise, that album, their third, would end up being my least favorite of theirs.

I had my top three favorite band in a lock for years. Beastie Boys, Beatles, Pearl Jam. Everything else at the time was 4th place or less. It was unshakable. Especially the top 2, which had not changed since I was 17.

Within a few years, The White Stripes bumped the Beatles! I'm not kidding. And I think with one more killer album they would have nailed the top spot.

But it won't happen. Jack called it quits. Although he is the band and Meg was an assistant to the sound, it was this specific collaboration that had the most spice and the most depth of almost anything I have ever heard.

That's right. This band was closer to the perfect sound for me. Raw, in the moment, blues-driven and playful. That is my favorite flavor of music. Jack White would record an album in week or two at most. The Beatles did the same. So did Led Zeppelin. The idea was to capture the initial raw energy of a song and not burden it with eighteen months of remixing and production. I saw them twice live (I saw two other White bands as well) and the feeling was just awe. A master rock guitarist, flipping a guitar behind his back to play the organ or the big xylophone thing in 'The Nurse', belting out blues tunes and was all I wanted in a show or a showman.

He'll be around in other projects and band to be sure. I'll see him again live. But some little piece will always be missing. Its hard to describe it, but the color scheme will always be black, red, and white.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Szekely's and Losers Show

Show No. 75.

Yes, to the right is a real-life superhero-ish guy named Phoenix Jones. Not the same pizazz as Kick-Ass; but what he lacks in friends like Hit-Girl he makes up for in not being at all fictional.


I want so very much to market myself in this world, why do those instincts and/or learned skills escape me? Its not just my little show. I'd like to just be a little more out there in this world, or in this town at least. I propose a new institution where people with talent or ideas or a very attractive spark are teamed up with business-savvy people whose skills are in the art of getting stuff done. Oh, the money that could be negotiated.


I've been listening to a a lot of music I liked when I was 11. What does that mean? Besides a lot of Hall and Oates, of course.



Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The She Shouldn’t Have To, Should She Show

74th show.

Juli Fields was the actress that played Susan; Ali's friend in the 1984 epic cable mainstay, The Karate Kid. I had a problem with this chick even as a young lad who had never heard the phrase 'bro's before ho's' or the stereotype of women going to the bathroom together.

But something about this girl, maybe her tone or her voice, or her 80's face always got under my skin. She gave Daniel-san so much crap for what? For what? Sure he wasn't blonde like Johnny and all his All-Valley douchebag buddies but that's why Elisabeth Shue was into him! He was different. Oddly charming--he could paint decks and wash cars like nobody's business.

Everyone has a quote movie, and this one was Dylan's. So please enjoy this movie-laden podcast. Now remove all verbs from your sentences, assume the crane position and get yourself a body bag.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Zombified Boba Fett Show

A real tear-jerker. Trust me.

I know I've seen this dude before.

Here you go. I recorded this with Matt about a week ago. Shuffling things up.

I got to thinking that its about time I consider this my one and only art form. I really haven;t succeeded at anything else, and that includes podcasting, but I have stuck with this for quite some time. I guess when you plug away at something week after week with almost no feedback and barely any audience to speak of; yet you still come back and do it...that is...something adjacent art form...?

The Jeopardy Online test is coming back around. I will test for the fifth time in 3 or 4 years in February. For some reason; perhaps some vestige of hope from childhood, I believe deep down inside my gut that my knowledge of history, sports, science, pop culture and all things cartoon will pay off one day. Still waiting.


Watch 'Bob's Burgers'. The Mrs. and I have laughed out loud many times.

Chips ahoy,

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Regularly Nuclear Reservoir Show

Donovan, eating the boys' faces off.

First show of the year. Got Dylan to my pod-corner a few days before Christmas. Donovan was a bit of a stain, but he was was suffering from only one person paying attention to him instead of five. Dylan is no fan of slobber, so he tries to keep his distance from the dog, and I can't help but laugh because I'm sadistic.

RIP Dick Winters.