"Response To that Dude In The Breakroom Who Called Me a Chump For Being Married"

This is, of course, from the larger work: Things I Wanted To Get Off My Chest At A Particular Moment But Refrained Due To Fear Of Loss Of Limb Or Job.

Hey man,

You must be the strongest man I've ever met. What intestinal fortitude you must possess; you are an emotional Hoover Dam, with the power to control anything and everything the world can push against you all on your own.

I must have been more mistaken than I have ever been. I merely assumed, from your distended belly, scraggly sideburns and stained shirt that you were the typical computer guy. I thought you were one of those IT homeboys that ate FunYuns and Twizzlers and Tater Tots chased down with Full Throttle, Red Bull and Strawberry YooHoo. I made an ass of myself to assume you were the typical RPG-playing techno snob who places the accumulation of pointless trinkets and trivia over the unavoidable allure of human touch.

It was your knowledge of Frodo and Gimlee that threw me.

Sorry. I am truly sorry. You must be independently wealthy or at least make twice what I make in a job that's pretty much the same crap that I do all day. See, having a second income from a spouse is sort of sweet. I could have plunked down my first and last month's rent on an apartment like yours under that bridge downtown, but we thought it would be better to throw it away on a house. Sure, we can't "pick up and leave town anytime" we want to like you said you could. That is true. The freedom has limits with children and property and all that stuff. But, I should point out, if you could pick up and move to New York or Paris anytime, why the hell were you talking to me with Cheetos crumbs on your fingers?

Apologies again for questioning your mortal rigidity. I was wrong to assume since you are 100 pounds past morbidly obese and your odor conjured up a strange mix of questionable body and the scent of soiled laundry that you were lonely. I know you have you loyal circle of friends. Most of them are strictly internet friends, true. Some of them are only pretending to be twenty-something males, true. But they are still your family and they don't "tie you down" like my dumb kids and my stupid wife.

I misjudged you. For me, having people to come home to that don't require a secure internet connection has unmatched appeal. My kids cost a ton of money, just like you said. As corny and hokey as genuine devotion can sound, those little guys can only give me a type of love you could never comprehend; even from the depths of one of those fantastically written sci-fi novels you tote around. Yes, curling up with a loved one on a cold night is basically the same as unwinding alone in a room with a paperback about cyber-wenches with eight arms and four tits.

I have to say, I envy that strength. If I had to spend Christmas locked in my bedroom staring at my monitors, one with the latest online gaming experience and the other with Asian porn, I figured you would probably pick up one of those Lord of the Rings replica swords, grasp the handle firmly with those two porky meat clubs you call hands and plunge it into your chest, just through that T-shirt with the HTML code you find hilarious because no one gets it but you.

All I have is my family and our friends with families. We laugh and play and eat and drink like a bunch of breeding idiots. We're nowhere near as evolved and free. It's just awful.

So I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I'm sure you can handle it. You'll brush it right off. You're made of stone.