Monday, September 15, 2008

Marvction Comics Presents An Origin Story: "The Elitist"

Born Archie Darwin somewhere in downtown Chicago in the mid-seventies, the man who would come to be known as The Elitist did not begin his life heroically.

While just an anonymous boy in fourth grade, young Arch was mercilessly picked on by a small group of classmates. They dragged their knuckles and furrowed their brows at Arch's comments about the validity of technological savvy in an expanding marketplace an that state lotteries were for suckers. They grunted and jumped him just after lunch. After extracting his briefs from his ass and digging his backpack out of the dumpster behind the school, Arch knew his future lie somewhere else.

He would lie in bed and stare at the ceiling every night. He thought about the teachers who hated his slacker attitude even though he earned A's throughout high school. He wondered why he couldn't make the football team (in an attempt to impress a blonde cheerleader). Arch had great speed but he fell out of favor with the assistant coaches when he corrected their grammar, re-drew their plays to make them effective and pointed out that the school mascot's costume looked more like a Short-Toed Eagle than a Bald Eagle.

After receiving his diplomas in Psychology and English, he finished his Master's Degree in Finance to look attractive to potential employers. He had several college girlfriends who made bids for his time, but Arch was always focused on his work or…something else. It was the elusive question in his life. Then, after the 2000 presidential election, he had an epiphany.

The once mild-mannered, east-coast educated, 156 IQ-ed, liberal, pro-choice, anti-gun Archie Darwin would adapt an alter-ego: The Elitist!

His first mission came straight from the newspaper. A high school in Lexington, Kentucky was going to ban classic literature in the library and force their teachers to teach creationism as fact. Arch knew he had only one choice: To act!

The morning after the school enforced its rule; the principal's staff came to work the next morning to find a spray-painted hallway that read: READ A BOOK, IDIOTS.

Archie wasn't much for action. It's not an Elitist's forte.

But soon he learned that he instead needed to take on the villains directly. He needed to strike at the enforcers of small mindedness, who manipulated traditions and ideals to gain influence and power. Those were the true criminals. He had to take on the ultimate conservative syndicate: Red Force!

Uncle Clem, the mastermind of Red Force, who guards the secret compound somewhere in the hills of Wyoming. Or Mississippi. (Not sure, it's secret!)

Brazen Man, the brawn behind the crew. He is willing to say and do anything to accomplish is goal; no matter how embarrassing, untrue, outdated, petty, unfounded, ridiculous, homophobic, racist, retarded and dumb.

Shirley Cupcakes, the den mother/vixen of red Force. With her plastic smile, porcelain skin and sensible footwear, she is the temptress that seduces with the scent of chocolate chip cookies and mini-van interiors.

The Duke, the man of action and The Elitist's fiercest foe. Mentally unstable and suffering from delusion, the Duke dresses in the garb of John Wayne and like the former star, has no real hero credits other than pretending to be a soldier an a cowboy. But he sticks to his guns! (Seriously, he had them sewn to his hips. Very painful.)

And of course,

Johnny Reb Six-Pack Shotgun Jesus Freak McXenophobe. Well, take a guess.

The Elitist battles these scourges of the human intellect every night, in the small towns where real Americans live, and even in the big cities where most of them live.

Catch the action, today!

(Does anybody know how to draw?)

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