Things I Never Believe When I Hear Them

I like all kinds of music, I'll listen to anything.

There exists no single human being on the planet who likes all kinds of music. It's just impossible. I'll even up that ante. There is no one that likes all the music of his own culture. Music hits so many skulls in so many waves and frequencies that mathematically speaking, human beings can only gravitate to a handful in their lifetimes. So stop lying!

What you are truly saying by that statement is: "I don't rally care about music. It does nothing for me. Its just background noise." In that case, you should pardon the robotic, soulless carbon-based shell that you are from any further conversations. You obviously were born without emotions, passion and love and would be a qualified candidate for a retail electronics salesman or Fox News correspondent.

My guess is you like something. It fills you with love or joy or sadness or lust or funk or poetry. You like it very much but you are afraid to share it with the rest of the class. It means SO much to you that even outside criticism that would not change the experience at all, still would be too much to bear. Just grow a pair. Next time, tell us you love Barry Gibb and Right Said Fred. Anything is better than hiding behind the dull white noise of "I like everything".

I don't care where we eat.

Again, yeah you do. This one has nothing to do with personal taste, as it does with personal responsibility. When that bomb of a question is dropped one of two things happens. Either the group involved goes to a familiar restaurant that they ended up last time they faced the question, or someone has to take charge. The person who takes charge and makes the suggestion that no one objects to OR just drives everyone to where he wants to eat takes Dinner Responsibility for the meal.

Nobody is in the mood for everything at all times. People are uncomfortable speaking for others. So, they let others make the decision. What happens is this: If the meal is off, or the service or food sucks, the guy who took Dinner Responsibility takes all the shit. He picked it. Some people are so afraid of this scenario they never pipe up. Ever.

But I offer this detail. Just make a suggestion. You might just be a hero for the night for having the best suggestion, or you may catch the heat. If they give you crap, just take it and move on. Its just one meal. At least you weren’t a puss.

I'm an undecided voter.

I have never met an undecided voter. I also don't know anyone who has met an undecided voter. I think they are like ghosts and all those people who kept "JAG" on for a decade. They are made up by the media or political parties or an advertising firm deep in a basement in New York City. There can't possibly be some many people riding the fence in a time when opinions are so polar opposite of each other.

I think, that is, if they actual are out there, that these UV's are people who usually like a lot of extra attention in life. They are the ones who show up fashionably late to parties, or announce that they will be having a birthday in a week. They want to be fussed over. Either that or they are bereft of opinion and passion, and quite frankly they should stay home on Election Day. In their home they spend hours flipping through channels, standing in front of the fridge for hours, not deciding on anything.

Sometimes it is time to fair handed and rational. A courtroom is always a place for this. But there are times, and we're in one right now, where you have to make a decision and a stand. It is perfectly acceptable to pick a side. You get to pick the side, but most importantly while you are there, you can play the game EXACTLY THE WAY YOU WANT TO. If you don't like a political party because of their behavior, then don't behave that way. If they share your beliefs, they still need you. Hell, maybe they'll start acting the way you would prefer.

The point is that for some reason we all think we need to think like judges. We don't. We all have vested interests in our own lives. Business owners, parents, city workers, teachers, people with disabilities, stoners…whatever. Its okay to be opinionated. The trick is to find the crowd that is actually going to help you, not…well…the Republicans.

Zing!