So
much has changed in such a brief amount of time. I should have guessed; the big occurrences in
my life always seem to turn with the leaves in the last part of the year. Amy got a decent job, I got a job I can hang
with, I've lost a nice amount of weight and I am officially on Zoloft. All of this transpired in the last month,
most of it in the last two weeks. I am
relieved. I am trying to enjoy the
feeling of relief as it is.
My
thoughts now are to what to do with my time.
My job is about 45 hours a week, M-F, and I get home at about 6:00 each
night. Amy’s chef job is naturally at
night, which means we are back to having no days off together at all. I was spoiled having her around every evening
for the last six months. It was nice.
Now, it’s me an a dog and the TV. The
kids are around usually, but they are teens in their rooms most of the
time. They are in their own worlds. It stings, but I am getting used to it.
So,
how to occupy my time? It may appear
that this is a no-brainer of a problem; I mean, who can’t just do what they
want when they have time to themselves?
Well, me. I've never been very
good at this. When my kids were younger,
I had excuses. I had to be with them,
for them, about them. Now, it had
changed. But who the hell am I?
Enter
the pills. I feel the anxiety
slipping. I don’t freak out when the
questions come. There are points where
there are no questions at all. They have
given me a little peace of mind. I can
relax. It’s difficult to express in
words. I feel present; in the
moment. I’m not so concerned all of the time.
The energy I used to worry so much is not being used. I just need to find something or some things
to do with my time.
Since
I turned 40, I can put my old job behind me and I’m medicated I want to do new
things with my time. I don’t know if I
need to express myself the way I used to.
I still want to podcast. I’m
hoping to record again next week, but the writing bug may relent. I think I might be okay with that. I like using it when I want to; instead of
one more reach for a life preserver. I
never really wrote much that wasn't some sort of opinion piece. I liked my books. Maybe one day.
I
want to do new things and maybe meet some people. I want to do something with my hands or
something active. I've never really gone
down that road before. I don’t
know. I kinda still want to play the
banjo. Or at least pick on a
guitar. I want to impress myself with an
achievement. Or just learn new
things. Or, or, or…
Fun. It’s what’s been missing for 20 years. I want to find it again and hold on. When me
and the Mrs. can enjoy it together it will be better, but in the meantime, I
want some. I just have to find out what
I enjoy. The good news is, I’m not
freaking out about it, thanks to the medication. I’ll find it.
We
still have restaurant plans. That could
be the answer. That may take enough of
my time so there won’t be questions. But
that’s not today or in the next week.
Until that time, what will I do?
Hmmmmm…..
