"Define This"

I dare anyone to try and define America. It's understood that every two to four years, we like to examine what and who we are as a country. After we've argued for a few months we go back to downloading movies and putting a fresh coat of paint on our ATV's. The country is too diverse and just too damn big to define. This is the only nation on earth that isn't as much a country as an idea. Uruguay doesn't need to be defined. Why do we?

We shouldn't bother. I do, however, like to notice differences between our society and other around the globe. Granted, I've never been anywhere. Sure. Throw that in my face. But I have encountered plenty of observers from other countries and managed to make a few observations of my own. One in particular:

We are funnier.

Well, it's not to say that other countries don't have senses of humor. I know they do. But we're funnier. Americans are caught in a little rut lately. We really like to hate ourselves and some of us firmly believe we have the worst, nastiest culture in the history of mankind.

To that I say: read a book.

I want to write down my two favorite anecdotes from World War II. Whenever anyone pisses on this country I try to use my background in history to illustrate that we have had some seriously horrible events in our past, but compared to the rest of the world, we're probably still ahead of the game. Even after the Bush presidency.

This is a description of armies crossing into the border into an Eastern European nation during the war. I may be off a little on the geography, but the sentiment is the same. A woman described the invaders:

"When the Germans came, they brought terror. They rounded us up and killed us. When the Soviets came, they brought fear. They rounded us up and put us to work in camps. When the Americans came, they freed us. They brought blankets and chocolate."

The second one is more about our attitude. I think it's been tarnished this decade, but its one that's still essentially the same. America is a New country. Tradition is not really our thing. A German citizen discerns the different styles of marching of soldiers from different nations:

"Germans walk like they own the world. The British walk like they want to own the world. And Americans walk like they don't give a shit who owns the world."

The world still likes us, folks. We represent hope to a lot of countries out there that would kill for our problems. One of the things they love is that we have the time and imagination to be funny. Ever exchange jokes with a recent immigrant from Asia or Europe? Not exactly Don Rickles. I realize comedy is based on joint experience, but Americans seems to have a much deeper well than a lot of places. We laugh at others as well as ourselves. We have planted, grown, groomed and reaped the harvest of sarcasm. Man, if we couldn't claim the lightbulb, the PC, the blues and the atomic bomb, we should as hell could snag that title.

Our culture, as lame as it can get sometimes, goes out into the world. Some people argue that we poison the world with our crap. No more than anything else that enters their country for sale. If people don't like it, they don't buy it. They are adults, too.

Maybe we are spoiled by the joy and mirth and fart jokes we produce by the truckload. But in certain dark corners of the world, it means way more than anyone understands on the IMDB message boards. There is hope. One day, your biggest problems might be that your kids eat too much and the commercialization of your holidays and that you tire of M Night Shyamalan's rehashing of the same old scripts every damn year. Good, down-home American problems. Like mom used to make.

I think we need a little dose of that pride in our country. Actual pride. Not flag waving, mindless pride. The pride that you have on your good days when you look back on your day or your week or your life and reconcile with all the mistakes and screw-ups and realize you've done more good than all the crap you keep remembering over and over.

Things I Never Believe When I Hear Them

I like all kinds of music, I'll listen to anything.

There exists no single human being on the planet who likes all kinds of music. It's just impossible. I'll even up that ante. There is no one that likes all the music of his own culture. Music hits so many skulls in so many waves and frequencies that mathematically speaking, human beings can only gravitate to a handful in their lifetimes. So stop lying!

What you are truly saying by that statement is: "I don't rally care about music. It does nothing for me. Its just background noise." In that case, you should pardon the robotic, soulless carbon-based shell that you are from any further conversations. You obviously were born without emotions, passion and love and would be a qualified candidate for a retail electronics salesman or Fox News correspondent.

My guess is you like something. It fills you with love or joy or sadness or lust or funk or poetry. You like it very much but you are afraid to share it with the rest of the class. It means SO much to you that even outside criticism that would not change the experience at all, still would be too much to bear. Just grow a pair. Next time, tell us you love Barry Gibb and Right Said Fred. Anything is better than hiding behind the dull white noise of "I like everything".

I don't care where we eat.

Again, yeah you do. This one has nothing to do with personal taste, as it does with personal responsibility. When that bomb of a question is dropped one of two things happens. Either the group involved goes to a familiar restaurant that they ended up last time they faced the question, or someone has to take charge. The person who takes charge and makes the suggestion that no one objects to OR just drives everyone to where he wants to eat takes Dinner Responsibility for the meal.

Nobody is in the mood for everything at all times. People are uncomfortable speaking for others. So, they let others make the decision. What happens is this: If the meal is off, or the service or food sucks, the guy who took Dinner Responsibility takes all the shit. He picked it. Some people are so afraid of this scenario they never pipe up. Ever.

But I offer this detail. Just make a suggestion. You might just be a hero for the night for having the best suggestion, or you may catch the heat. If they give you crap, just take it and move on. Its just one meal. At least you weren’t a puss.

I'm an undecided voter.

I have never met an undecided voter. I also don't know anyone who has met an undecided voter. I think they are like ghosts and all those people who kept "JAG" on for a decade. They are made up by the media or political parties or an advertising firm deep in a basement in New York City. There can't possibly be some many people riding the fence in a time when opinions are so polar opposite of each other.

I think, that is, if they actual are out there, that these UV's are people who usually like a lot of extra attention in life. They are the ones who show up fashionably late to parties, or announce that they will be having a birthday in a week. They want to be fussed over. Either that or they are bereft of opinion and passion, and quite frankly they should stay home on Election Day. In their home they spend hours flipping through channels, standing in front of the fridge for hours, not deciding on anything.

Sometimes it is time to fair handed and rational. A courtroom is always a place for this. But there are times, and we're in one right now, where you have to make a decision and a stand. It is perfectly acceptable to pick a side. You get to pick the side, but most importantly while you are there, you can play the game EXACTLY THE WAY YOU WANT TO. If you don't like a political party because of their behavior, then don't behave that way. If they share your beliefs, they still need you. Hell, maybe they'll start acting the way you would prefer.

The point is that for some reason we all think we need to think like judges. We don't. We all have vested interests in our own lives. Business owners, parents, city workers, teachers, people with disabilities, stoners…whatever. Its okay to be opinionated. The trick is to find the crowd that is actually going to help you, not…well…the Republicans.

Zing!

Dad Stuff - Lesson #92 "Notes on Money and Girls"

Once a year I read an article that states that I will need $200,000 to raise just one of my three kids. That's a grand total of 600 grand for everything. I sat down and tried to crunch the numbers and my meager, tenth grade math skills still can't reconcile the cost to reality. I'm happy, because I've never seen that type of money in my life; but somehow I have three kids that are alive and doing well.

My only assumptions, apart from saving a small fortune for college for each kid, is that the projections appropriated too much cash to get the job done. In other words, it can be done well on the cheap. And some could argue (which is a wimpy way of saying "I THINK") raising kids with less money makes better human beings. I won't get into a preachy deal because I just don't care enough. But I will break own one aspect of child spending that will help the parents of the future.

I know human are insane because at the same time I feel disgusted every time I take a load of used plastic toys my kids are done with to Goodwill; I go to Target and pass by the kids' aisles and lament the days when I would buy my boys Star Wars spaceships for their birthdays . So, I'm messed up. I'm ruined. I know. But I am here to give you a list of all the toys your kids will need for the first 8 years or so of their lives. This will not make them popular. They won't be able to brag about what they have at home to the kids at the playground. However, they will have JUST as much fun and you will have money to live and eat with.

The list is: Balloons, cardboard boxes, flashlights, crayons, paper, a ball, paper towels rolls and books.

What is that, like $100? The books you can get for free from the library and everything comes in bulk. I'm telling you, they have just as much fun knocking each other in the head with a paper towel roll and crawling into boxes than any bullshit Leap Frog game that tries to shoehorn learning into playtime. When the power was knocked out during three Florida hurricanes, my kids barely noticed because they had flashlights to goof around with. I was ready to throw a chair through the front window because I missed TV too much. They just laughed and drew pictures of stuff they liked.

Just a suggestion.

Along the lines of playtime, I have a bit of information for fathers with daughters. Hey guys? Those little girls play strange, strange games. My girl plays school. And business. And job interview. Where are the monsters and swords and epic battles? What kind of playing is that?

I asked her how her sleepover went after her friend left the next morning. She said:

"We played pretend, where our parents moved away and we had to be alone, and go get jobs and get an apartment together…"

What the hell is that crap? That's not fun, that's life! That's work! This is a girl with two older brothers that never fail to drag her into a wrestling session at least once a week. She knows how to avoid a headlock. But when she's in her room, the plush toys are at makeshift desks, the homework is given out and roll is called.

I know nothing of this. It was just me and my brother growing up. When we weren't throwing snowballs or citrus at each other outside, when we beating the piss out of each other and farting in each other's faces. If he mentioned "Hey, lets' play school!", I could not imagine the ass-kicking I would have to give him.

The point? We're different, guys and gals. Sometimes you can't blame the media. My girl is more organized than my wife. She has a more concrete work ethic than her dad.

Not a bad thing.