News Whine, Part One - "Man Watches Newscast And Summarily Leaves Room In Disgust"

Headlines from a major website that features news stories on the top of the page, then as you cascade down; entertainment, sports, and who the hell knows what. These are actual links that were mixed in with election coverage, hurricanes, the Olympics and the Georgia/Russia skirmish.

Disabled turtle rides custom skateboard to romance

Trying the new buzz snacks

Cat survives 70-mile trip under owner's truck

Cow faces off with bear

Vincent Price's cooking tips

(The man has been dead for fifteen years.)

Rogue monkey runs amok in Tokyo subway | Video

(Jesus, you BETTER have the video.)

I'm getting pooped on a little these days. My interest in news programming has reached an all-time low and I seem to be attracting attention as a Pollyanna or at least a guy with his fingers shoved in his ears sitting in a cave under Tierra Del Fuego.

In fact, I am just on a very strict media diet. It is strict in the way that it is very limited, I can't overindulge and I take any and all doses with a bowl of All-Bran. What is on twenty-four hours a day, every single day, is not news. It is discussion. I like discussion, but I get bored quickly when I discover than none of the participants have any true stake in the outcome. The talking heads on cable news are in it for face time. They really could not care less about the issues that mean the most to us, including the election.

So I don't watch at all. But I am informed. I'll give you the difference. News is: Barack Obama spoke in Ohio today on the campaign trail. Done. That's it. I'm informed. If I want to hear what he said, I can find out. That event is the news. Dissecting the tone, the colloquialisms, the verbiage, the tie he wore, his stance, his gait, his delivery, who was there, how many, their reactions, how many times they applauded, the weather, the last minute changes, his wife's presence, what the speech will mean to the old, the young, men and women, Latinos and farmers, independents, libertarians nurses, teachers, the NAACP, Star Trek impersonators, the feeble, the discombobulated, Donald Trump's wig craftsman, my Aunt Sal, your Uncle Delbert, hunky firemen and the International Belt Buckle Collectors Society…not really important.

So I abstain. Sue me.

Here's another reason: Journalism is dead. It's more rotting and decomposed than Elizabethan sonnets and 8-tracks. When I read my news online, I have to weed out the important information and article titles from the sea of inane garbage they use to get us to see more advertising. It's basically a very sophisticated Penny Saver. I know there are more serious sites out there then the mainstream fluff, but why?

Oh, I know why. And you do to. There's really not enough news everyday for them to fill up a paper or a website . Well, technically there is, but they would have to go out into the world and investigate the events that transpire and then report what they'd seen. What's that called? Oh, yeah. Journalism.

Cogito ergo doleo.

"Why Halloween Is Better Than My Crotchety Opinion Of It"

Halloween floated over from Europe years ago but I think its celebration and institution in this country make it more of an American holiday than any other. Even Christmas. (Most places have a 'peace on Earth' holiday of some sort but not too many have ones that guarantee candy and half a million girls dressed in cat suits.)

But I've had little interest in this money-hole of a holiday since I could carry my own trick or treat bag around. My children had their turns, and they had fun dressing up as dinosaurs, Star Wars characters, ninjas, Strawberry Shortcake and fairies. The problem started a few years before they even knew what a Jolly Rancher was.

Just like cartoons, the experience of Halloween lost its luster right around when Nickelodeon gained steam on cable. Cartoons were a special event for Saturday morning. My parents used to punish me by keeping me in my room on Saturdays if I was a pain in the ass. Now kids can watch cartoons any time, any day of the week. The same goes for candy. Sweets used to be special and reserved for holidays and trips to the movies. They weren't more expensive, they were just, well…a treat. My kids get more candy at school than I've ever bought them. It's everywhere. Why would begging for Milky Ways dressed as Darth Maul be special when you could get them any time?

But Halloween exists for one reason only: Fun. That's it. For adults and kids. There is no remembrance of veterans, or traveling hundreds of miles to hang with your drunk aunts and uncles watching a crappy Detroit Lions game in November, and there is no religion. Unless you are one of these extremist nutbags who think that my daughter dressed as a bumblebee is somehow praising Satan.

Sometimes I wish it was. Just to scare the piss out of those kooks.

So I get grumpy because I don't celebrate it anymore and everything about the holiday is disposable. The costumes, the decorations (gourds or no gourds, they all end up in the landfill) and the three hundred pounds of high fructose corn syrup. Transitioning from kid to adult for certain holidays is pretty smooth; but for this autumn festival I'm just a shopping cart and a crossing guard for these kids.

But I'm a coot, right? If I had Halloween parties and a myriad of like-minded friends to invite to these parties I would enjoy it more. I'm sure if I had a little more of a budget I could conjure up a spookhouse in my garage. I could work on a costume and get in the spirit of werewolves, ghosts, mutant mummies that dude from Saw.

(I'm assuming there was a dude in Saw. Never watched it. Come on! It has a sharp tool for a title!)

Halloween is also sweet because of when it happens. Autumn. Ah, sweet autumn. In Oregon you can smell apples and the hear the bristle of evergreens and that sharp undercurrent that is unmistakably the first chill of winter. In Florida, we used to love that time of year when a few leaves turned slightly brown, the humidity dipped below 80 percent and we could feel a cool breeze after seven o'clock. Here in the Northwest, the landscape turns surreal. The leaves of some of the local trees change crazy colors and fall to the ground! All by themselves! By the end of October, there are heaps of these multicolored leaves in heaps all over the place. It’s quite a site for us southeastern types.

(How does everything turn into a trashing of Florida? Well…too bad.)

Here's how I'll solve this. I will shut the hell up about it and go with the flow. Just because it's not my forte I don't have to be a piece of coal in the trick or treat bag.

Dad Stuff - Lesson #112: "Explaining Seemingly Difficult Things To Children"

I always like to start off any essay about my kids or kids in general by making a blanket statement to those people who hate kids, and believe life is a never ending World of Warcraft weekend with Old Milwaukee and Red Bull… You are a sad pile of self-loathing and your complaints are embarrassing to humanity.

One of he myriad of issues parents have with children is the explanation of the world around them. The schools and PSA's focus on drug talk, smoking and safe sex. What about all those other topics for which there is no administration-approved pamphlet? Some find homosexuality tough to explain. Then there is religion: what is it, who worships what and when, and of course: Why the hell aren't we going to church? Divisive political issues pop up now and then and my kids are insanely inquisitive and want to know what everything means and where I fall on each subject. Gone are the days of asking the kids at school about it the next day. They don't have to. With an internet connection that can have their answer quicker than you ever dreamed of.

(When I was 12, I looked in the school library to find out what a lesbian was. Boy, was I off.)

TV is a bastard. However, if you are mature enough to handle the questions when they come, there is no need for a discussion. The Simpsons was the first place my boys heard about what it meant to be gay. (I'm quite sure it was a Waylon Smithers scene.) One of them turned to me, about seven or eight years old, and asked: "Dad, what is 'gay'?"

I curled my lip for a sec and it hit me. I said two whole sentences. "You know how boys like girls and girls like boys? Well, sometimes girls like girls and boys like boys."

They gave me an "okay" and together we watcher Homer get hit in the nuts.

Not even twenty words out of my mouth and I settled it once and for all. I'm sure there are religious freaks out there who need to add several paragraphs to that; but you would never read anything I wrote anyway, so who cares. The point is, just be honest, concise and brief as possible.

Children are perceptive and smarter than you think-- at any given age. They may not know what to do with the info, but it is on a shelf in their smooth little brains, waiting to spring forth at an inopportune moment. That's their job.

I am like a lot of parents out there. I don't want my kids to be mindless robots who cannot think or act for themselves. I want to make an impact on these guys but shoving my opinions in their faces really isn’t part of the deal. Your opinions, (brace for this blogging world) are not important at all…to anyone at all. They are part of the bubbling gumbo that is your belief system. For most of us, it does enough exploding on its own and parents waste a lot of calories trying to infuse their likes and preferences on an impressionable mind.

But your kids get your opinions anyway. Remember when I said those little punks are perceptive?

And there are a few things you want them to have, right? I want my kids to be accepting and fair and decent and all that happy crap. If they turn out to be jerks, I really dropped the ball somewhere.

Handling this is trickier because you have to listen more closely. If your kid is trying to ingratiate himself by being your yes man, it is time to step back and clarify. Just learn to bite your lip sometimes. It will help everyone's sanity and counseling bills in the long run.

"By all means, put ketchup on your hot dog. I'm not really into it."
"Son, when I said Republicans are mindless retards, I was making a huge generalization. They are people just like you and me. I just disagree with nearly everything they believe in."
"You can like Dane Cook if he makes you laugh. I just haven't met anyone that has happened to."

Okay, that last one went a little too far. I'd never let that happen.